


The Art of Ship Deconstruction

by kenporusty



Category: Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: And be creative while doing so, Be prepared to laugh to want to punch me, Doing that to your OTP/OT3 is haard!, Durincest, Gen, How shipping should work, I'm gonna take your OTP and OT3 and rip them apart, M/M, Snark, Suggestions welcome, more to come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 11:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenporusty/pseuds/kenporusty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I read <a href="http://www.fimfiction.net/story/26061/how-every-shipfic-would-actually-happen">this</a> which snarked on many of the ships of MLP:FiM, and I wanted to try my hand with the ships I run into daily.</p>
<p>Be prepared for your ships to be snarked at, and I do hope it makes at least SOMEONE laugh!<br/>(It's really hard to snark something you ship so hard core!)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i></i></p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>Chapter 1: Durincest<br/>Chapter 2: Bofur/Bilbo<br/>Chapter 3: Smaugbo<br/>Chapter 4: Johnlock</p>
</div><p>I always take suggestions via comments or <a href="http://kenporusty.tumblr.com">my tumblr</a> and I'll try to fill them as quickly as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Durincest

**Author's Note:**

> Start off with some Hobbit related shipping.
> 
> Everyone's favourite - or not so favourite - Durincest.  
> NOTE: Since Durincest is kind of a blanket term, I've included all three into Durincest.

Deep in the halls of Erebor, laughter at an absurd idea rang off the stone walls.

“That’s my brother, he’s my uncle, and you people have something seriously wrong with you.” Exasperation.

“But you have to admit, they have great taste in hot dwarves.” Amusement.

“You do realize just how weird that phrase sounds? ‘Hot dwarves,’ Mahal save us.” Resigned eye roll.


	2. Bofur/Bilbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Hobbits!  
> This one is my first Hobbit ship! The SS Bofur/Bilbo setting sail for snark!
> 
> This ship is one that I follow in the movieverse. Dragging my movie ships to the book leads to confused fangirl syndrome.

“Bilbo,” Bofur’s voice cracked slightly, “my dear Bilbo, this just won’t work.”  
It wasn’t as if he didn’t enjoy watching the odd creature known as a Hobbit sleep, and it wasn’t as if he didn’t daydream of being the one to braid that wonderful hair of his, and it wasn’t as if he didn’t find himself with confusing feelings of what could be more than just friendly concern.  
Bilbo frowned at the Dwarf that lacked anything more than a spectacular mustache and soul patch.  
“Dwarves give their hearts away only once, and I’m hoping to find a nice Dwarf lass to fall in love with after we retake the mountain.”  
“Well, that’s comforting.” Bilbo shrugged and walked off to light his pipe, leaving Bofur confused and crestfallen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof! Being cruel to your OTP hurts! But this is how the ships would go without fan intervention (fantervention?)
> 
> Ok, not much longer, but oh well. I hope you all enjoyed it nonetheless!


	3. Smaugbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four takes on Smaugbo, based on what I've seen throughout the fandoms.  
> Two as Dragon!Smaug and Bilbo, and the other two as Man! or Elf!Smaug and Bilbo.
> 
> Using a mix of movieverse and bookverse for this one.

_**Dragon!Smaug/Bilbo** _

_Variant #1 - Bilbo takes initiative_

The Hobbit burglar made his way along the piles of gold, sneaking as quietly as possible, trying not to dislodge any coin and attract the dragon’s attention. As he peeked around a particularly large pile of gold, he finally got a good look at the enormous red drake lounging lazily on the gold, belly exposed and glinting in the dim light. Thoughts of what the dragon could or could not do to his body. He imagined himself lying prone before the dragon’s capable tongue, a rousing daydream, causing him to let a single, soft moan into the room.  
With a tendril of steam, the dragon snorted.  
“My dear burglar, I am a dragon. I am not interested in the flesh of other beings except as a source of sustenance. Now show yourself so I may punish you for attempting to steal my treasure.”  
Bilbo swallowed audibly and realized he doomed the quest.

_Variant #2 - Smaug takes initiative_

When the dragon first heard the faint scrabbling of the intruder, he peered about, trying to source the sound. A great sniff of the air told him the intruder was not dwarf, but spent some time among the people who had previously held his treasure hostage.  
“Show yourself to me, burglar. I know you wish to steal from me. Better to meet your fate than die in terror. Those who die with fear always taste bitter.” He rumbled from deep in his chest.  
“Well, um, no. I cannot show myself to you. I would rather not be a dragon’s second breakfast.” Bilbo responded from behind one pile, before hurrying across the room as quietly as he could.  
Smaug thrummed deeply, taken with the disembodied voice, tracking the sound of Bilbo’s motion across the room. His thoughts drifted from the hot fire of vengeance to the slow fire of his own excitement. His mind rolled the idea of taking the strange little burglar, however he may look, pinning him to the piles of his hard won treasure, and making the creature squirm with the same excitement he felt creeping through his haunches. The wondrous thoughts of turning the creature into his personal slave, to be used for his pleasure and excitement, until fully sated, and, in clear conscious, would dispose of the being.  
But then again, dragons were rare enough, taking a non-dragon as a mate, however temporary, would deplete his energy should another dragon come and make itself known to him.

_**Man!Smaug/Bilbo or Elf!Smaug/Bilbo** _

_Variant #3 - Man! Or Elf!Smaug/Bilbo - Bilbo takes initiative._

Bilbo found himself peeking from the shadowed doorway of the smooth Dwarven hall into the glowing treasure room, deft Hobbit eyes peering about for something easy to steal away to the rest of the company. He expected to see an immense dragon perched atop a pile of gold, since that was how everyone explained Smaug to him. Instead he saw a man, dark haired, and robed in shades of red with golden vambraces, a golden chestplate, and gold greaves. The man sat there, smoke trailing from his lips, though there was an obvious lack of a pipe in the man’s hand. Russet robes rustled, and the man looked up with odd, golden eyes.  
Bilbo moved out into the open, against all his Baggins sense, approaching the man. If there was a man here, then surely the dragon was defeated, and the men were here to steal what was rightfully the Dwarves, right? He huffed nervously as those eyes followed him into the center of the room, smouldering beneath dark brows. He felt something…odd. Something not quite right. A sudden need, a sudden desire for the man who stood much taller than he. He felt want of physical contact sweep through his body.  
He slowed, stopped, and stared, mulling the thought of rushing forward and taking the tall man by the robes, pulling him down, and forcing a kiss onto those plump, tempting eyes. The fool of a Took half of his brain moved his feet before the Baggins could get a word in, and he was hurrying towards the man…  
And was stopped dead in his tracks. Much like Bofur described before they left. A moment of searing pain, and his charred skeleton fell with a clatter to the gold strewn about his once hairy feet.  
“Enchanted I may be, but dragon I still am, fool of a burglar, whether you come for my gold, or my heart, I must dole out equal punishment.” The man said clearly before stepping over the skeleton and walking through the Dwarf hall towards the company outside.

_Variant #4 - Man! Or Elf!Smaug/Bilbo - Smaug takes initiative._  
Through whatever machinations of God or wizard, Smaug awoke from his slumber to find the room entirely too large. The open space between his exquisite hoard and the ceiling was a yawning chasm of darkness, inviting airborne raiders and hidden burglars. Hissing, he pushed himself to his feet.  
His two feet. Looking around, he found his very dull head sat on a short neck attached to a bipedal body, somehow clothed in robes that glinted with the colors of his beautiful scales. Fingers tracked the planes of his face: high cheekbones, narrow eyes, and a mess of hideous hair. The fingers were enough to turn Smaug’s stomach, but to have his wonderous scales replaced with the shaggy fur of Dwarf and Man was just too much. Exploration over, he turned on his heels, pacing among the lightly tinkling gold and gems, a sound that always seemed to calm the dragon; his personal connection to the music of Eru Ilúvatar. He found the gold chestplate, vambraces, and greaves, feeling more whole as he adorned himself in the gleaming gold. Without, his once protected belly lay bare of the gold encrusted armor.  
A sound at one of the tunnels brought his head around, and he peered into the gloom. A small figure hid in the shadows, not much smaller than the stinking Dwarves, and entirely too small for one of the Men that tried to raid his glorious treasure. All his, not theirs.  
“Small creature, come out of the shadows so I may see you,” he said to the intruder. He was pleased his voice rang clear, but resonant.  
When the creature would not move, he smiled gently and said again, “if you do not come to raid my vast treasure hoard, then I mean you no harm. Do come into the light so I may see you.”  
The thing’s shoulders rose and fell, the deep sigh of something making a decision. With a shuffle dislodging the precious trinkets from the piles, the thing came in towards Smaug, and he could see it clearly. Definitely not a Dwarf, it’s face was clear of the disheveled fur they prided themselves on, but with the hair of a young Man. The creature’s delicate features stirred within the dragon feelings he hadn’t had the pleasure of feeling before. He knew the pleasure of treasure, gold and gems, but not the pleasure of the flesh, and this need began to rise, causing an embarrassing reaction in the Man body, clearly visible to the new creature. He could now see the comedically large feet covered with adorable tufts of curled fur.  
Smaug rushed forward to take the creature into his arms, stumbling embarrassingly with the lack of experience with just two legs. He desired the Hobbit as he desired treasure. The Hobbit would be his treasure, something to make his own, to sit upon a throne of gold coin beside the dragon, and bring him this ceaseless, profound pleasure that threaded its way through Smaug’s whole body, his whole soul, even.  
Something of the approach spooked the burglar, who turned and fled, more adept at using only two legs and no wings to flee. Before leaving Smaug’s gilded throne room, the burglar paused to snatch one small cup, a tiny chalice, fleeing faster than the long-legged Man ever could.  
This invasion of his halls, this theft of precious treasure, and the violation of his lust left Smaug standing, staring down the hall, infuriated, raging, and cursing the very strange creature. He continued hurling rage and curses, stalking and storming, creating a great discordant cacophony until he felt hollow, strange, and lonely.  
At which point, the feared fire drake sat upon a hollow throne and wept for the first time in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I didn't mean for these to get out of hand, but 2 am turns me stupid creative, and things get waay out of hand!

**Author's Note:**

> Short, sweet, and yes, I kept the speakers ambiguous. I had to, I really did. Otherwise it would have gotten away from me pronto.  
> I swear other chapters will be longer.


End file.
